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T O P I C R E V I E WlindisfarneI find that when in conversation, some people take offense to when I don't respond the way they want me to.. It's mainly with conversations that they mold into some lengthy dialogue when it's completely unnecessary. For example, the weather.. I know it's an insufficient example but thats all I can think of. This is how it will go:Girl: So it's really nice outside huh?Me: Yup Girl: I love this kind of whether, Fall is great and the trees are so beautiful! I hate summer it's way too humid and hot. Ugh. Don't you?Me: It's alright.Girl: really? What is alright about it? I'm actually very excited for the winter season to begin. I can't wait to go skiing, I bet a lot of the girls are going to Montreal to party. So awesome.Me: I know right?Girl: ....Yeah. Are you listening to me?Me: Yes.Girl: Well, you don't seem to be..Me: How so?Girl: You're not talking a lot. Am I boring you?Me: No. I never said you were.Girl: Well it seems as if I am. I'm talking, doing all of the talking here and you're not even saying much.Me: Okay.. lol.Girl: Why is that funny? Me: It just is.. Don't worry about it.Girl: Whatever I will go talk/be around around that obviously doesn't ignore me. And it's not funny at all actually. Bye.Me: Bye.See, this usually happens. Either it'd be with my sister, she will go on and on about something, and I am actually listening.. I either smile and nod along or say "I know" "Oh wow really?" And she will get upset because I don't give her the response she wants? This also happens with my Taurus sun friend, A lot of my Piscean female friends as well. They start spewing to me/ranting/venting about life problems or the like and I often say stuff like "I know" or "Its okay." Stuff like that, my Pisces friend was complaining about how it was having her dad pass away, and how she has to take over his company etc. And I responded with, "I know" And she got mad at me LOL. For what? What was I supposed to say? "Oh yeah totally. Gosh! I am so very sorry to hear your unfortunate story, god bless you." I dont get it. They either think I am not listening (when I actually am..) or they think They are boring me. Whats up with that?Heres My chart without the Aspects:Sun - Aquarius house 12Moon - Pisces House 1Mercury - Aquarius house 1Venus - Pisces House 1Mars - Cancer House 6Jupiter - Libra House 8Saturn - Aquarius house 1Uranus - Capricorn House 12Neptune - Capricorn house 12Pluto - Scorpio house 9Chiron - Leo House 7Ceres - Pisces house 1Pallas - Aquarius house 1Juno - Cancer house 5 Vetsa - Capricorn house 12Node - Sagittarius house 11Lilith - Pisces house 1Fortune - Aquarius house 1ASC - aquariusMC - SagCan anyone here relate or give some insight why people seem to get fussy when I am obviously listening to them/thinking of what to say, and they get bothered with my responses?anongrl10I don't know your cultural background, but there is a thing called "curt response". When you consistently respond to someone with short cut yes/no type of answers, the other person gets the idea that you are rude or at best not willing to participate in the conversation. People come with a variety of communication styles. Just try to notice how they talk to you and make an effort to adjust. The person in your "weather" example indeed did all the talking and it's natural to feel you are not interested given your responses. Try to find people who match our communication style and adjust to more chatty types who want your lengthier feedback. Mercury in Aqua in the 1st make you "nerdy" in your communication manner. Try to express your Pisces Moon which touches people more warmly. nordicsoulhi, reading the dialog about the weather, i can see something. before you said it, I was thinking that your replay sounded as you were thinking in something else as you could not get involved in the conversation with soul. probably your aquarios mercury in your first give you a detached communication style?i dont know, but you come across as not a good listener from the conversation. generally, i tend to get annoyed with short responses... i have the feeling that the other person is thinking and giving the responses in authomatic mode while contunuing thinking in something else. if this is not the case, do you tend to be talkative? if not, that is it.if you like to talk and it is only when somebody talk that you become so quiet, that is perceived as not being interested. Mblake81 quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne:Girl: So it's really nice outside huh?Me: Yup Girl: I love this kind of whether, Fall is great and the trees are so beautiful! I hate summer it's way too humid and hot. Ugh. Don't you?Me: It's alright.Girl: really? What is alright about it? I'm actually very excited for the winter season to begin. I can't wait to go skiing, I bet a lot of the girls are going to Montreal to party. So awesome.Me: I know right?Girl: ....Yeah. Are you listening to me?Me: Yes.Girl: Well, you don't seem to be..Me: How so?Girl: You're not talking a lot. Am I boring you?Me: No. I never said you were.Girl: Well it seems as if I am. I'm talking, doing all of the talking here and you're not even saying much.Me: Okay.. lol.Girl: Why is that funny? Me: It just is.. Don't worry about it.Girl: Whatever I will go talk/be around around that obviously doesn't ignore me. And it's not funny at all actually. Bye.Me: Bye. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_%28psychology%29 According to Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to projection: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and by redirecting libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or "projecting," those same faults onto another person or object.lindisfarne quote:Originally posted by anongrl10:I don't know your cultural background, but there is a thing called "curt response". When you consistently respond to someone with short cut yes/no type of answers, the other person gets the idea that you are rude or at best not willing to participate in the conversation. People come with a variety of communication styles. Just try to notice how they talk to you and make an effort to adjust. The person in your "weather" example indeed did all the talking and it's natural to feel you are not interested given your responses. Try to find people who match our communication style and adjust to more chatty types who want your lengthier feedback. Mercury in Aqua in the 1st make you "nerdy" in your communication manner. Try to express your Pisces Moon which touches people more warmly. Well I have lived in Canada all my life as I was born here.I understand what you are saying but it's conversations and people lilke that with those responses that irritate me in a way. They go looking for something that isn't there, they make up an issue when its not there. I was listening to what she was saying, as I do with everyone. And if I wasnt listening and didn't have time to respond/join in, or if I am busy I always make sure to tell the person, "Hey, sorry but Im actually occupied right now. Ill talk to you soon okay?" And especially with Pisces influenced people I have to literally start my sentences with, "No offense" because even if they speak to me and I interject with, "Oh hey Im actually kind of busy right now. We can talk later okay?" They will take it as if I am hurting them in some way.. so I always have to start it off with "no offense,"I mean when I talk I am very cheery and light, its not like I have a mean machine kind of way of speaking to people tone wise, my tone is very light and warm so. Idk I just dont get why someone would think I wasn't listening when I clearly am haha..lindisfarne quote:Originally posted by Mblake81: [QUOTE]Originally posted by lindisfarne:[b]Girl: So it's really nice outside huh?Me: Yup Girl: I love this kind of whether, Fall is great and the trees are so beautiful! I hate summer it's way too humid and hot. Ugh. Don't you?Me: It's alright.Girl: really? What is alright about it? I'm actually very excited for the winter season to begin. I can't wait to go skiing, I bet a lot of the girls are going to Montreal to party. So awesome.Me: I know right?Girl: ....Yeah. Are you listening to me?Me: Yes.Girl: Well, you don't seem to be..Me: How so?Girl: You're not talking a lot. Am I boring you?Me: No. I never said you were.Girl: Well it seems as if I am. I'm talking, doing all of the talking here and you're not even saying much.Me: Okay.. lol.Girl: Why is that funny? Me: It just is.. Don't worry about it.Girl: Whatever I will go talk/be around around that obviously doesn't ignore me. And it's not funny at all actually. Bye.Me: Bye. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_%28psychology%29 According to Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to projection: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and by redirecting libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or "projecting," those same faults onto another person or object.[/B][/QUOTE]Are you saying that She is projecting her issues onto me?anongrl10 quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: Well I have lived in Canada all my life as I was born here.I understand what you are saying but it's conversations and people lilke that with those responses that irritate me in a way. They go looking for something that isn't there, they make up an issue when its not there. I was listening to what she was saying, as I do with everyone. And if I wasnt listening and didn't have time to respond/join in, or if I am busy I always make sure to tell the person, "Hey, sorry but Im actually occupied right now. Ill talk to you soon okay?" And especially with Pisces influenced people I have to literally start my sentences with, "No offense" because even if they speak to me and I interject with, "Oh hey Im actually kind of busy right now. We can talk later okay?" They will take it as if I am hurting them in some way.. so I always have to start it off with "no offense,"I mean when I talk I am very cheery and light, its not like I have a mean machine kind of way of speaking to people tone wise, my tone is very light and warm so. Idk I just dont get why someone would think I wasn't listening when I clearly am haha..I hear you but when you communicate with somebody with different comm style (like her), it's not only the tone of your voice that matters. She wants complete sentences, real input in order to feel that you listen, participate and enjoy the chat. Communication works on various levels and different people react to different aspects of it. She just responded to the curt sentences rather than your "light" "cheery" tone. Got it? RegardesPlatero--lindisfarne quote:Originally posted by RegardesPlatero:When people give me short, one-word replies, or when they do not communicate at all, I assume that I'm boring them, burdening them, irritating them, etc. Then I feel really embarrassed, anxious, worried that other people find me irritating, and then just avoid them for awhile so that I don't bother them. I'm very conscious of bothering people and irritating them and I hate feeling like a nuisance; it's a big "thing" with me. So, yeah, I can see why she'd get upset. People do have different communication styles, but, at the same time, one-word replies/silences are a pretty universal sign of "you're boring me/annoying me". You realize that, specifically your anxiety and assuming you are bothering others because of how you perceive their responses is ultimately your problem though right? Not trying to sound cold... but I personally think if you do get mad etc and take it out on someone based on your perception of how they respond, you're projecting. Because it's not their problem, it's yours. It's the same thing with my libra sun friend with Scorpio moon and Venus. she complains about things all the time to her Aquarius sun/Venus boyfriend and she gets very fussy when he says "I know dear. I know. I'm sorry to hear that." She is convince that he has a problem. He doesn't. She does it's all in her head. just because she is not getting the emotional response she expects to get, with her placement of unrealistic expectations from others she refuses to accept that her anger and frustration is not his problem but hers. She wants him to respond a certain way. He's not built to be that way, you can't change how people respond to things. It's either you accept it or go find someone else that can accomodate your needs. Im not talking to you specifically by the way hahaenchantress299I think the answer is very simple. Do you dislike small talk? I hate small talk because nothing truly valuable is being said. Do I really want to talk in length about THE WEATHER?! Does ANYONE really want to talk in length about the weather??? (That's usually the way I see it). Please give me an in depth conversation about the way you feel/think about something and I will be immediately engrossed AND responsive... But the weather?! Or the local sports team?! No. There's only so far you can go with those conversations before you hit a wall. So, to me they seem rather meaningless. However, what I have figured out is that there are many (more talkative) people who find small talk as a way to CONNECT. Connection is important because you feel that the other person cares about you, and yes, technically you were responding, but you weren't giving any feedback, and FEEDBACK is the way that (some) people gauge how you are connecting with them. It's simply being friendly and showing that you care about what the other person has to say. I do better with small talk now, though I often still avoid it when I am out at the grocery store, mall, etc. That lesson was brought to you courtesy of my Gemini North Node in the 7th. It was a very hard won lesson. Now, the thing with your friend's father- you might have been a little more responsive about THAT. At least try to verbalize that you are supporting her, even if there's nothing else you can do for her. Sometimes physical presence and a simple answer really isn't enough because again, it seems like you aren't trying to be supportive, but are instead just trying to placate her. It doesn't have to be overly gushy, just a simple- "Hey, I'm hearing you and that is a really sad/hard situation. I'm here if there's anything I can do." People just want to know that you are hearing/understanding them. So... Am I at least somewhat on target with this? I know I also don't do well in those types of conversations, but that's partially because I really don't usually have anything more to add to what they are saying. "Sure, it's sunny out. Yay?" "Sure, the local sports team won. Yay?" To me it's just non-essential. But keep in mind, there are also people out there who do talk TOO MUCH and want absolutely every little thing validated for them...RegardesPlatero quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: You realize that, specifically your anxiety and assuming you are bothering others because of how you perceive their responses is ultimately your problem though right? Not trying to sound cold... but I personally think if you do get mad etc and take it out on someone based on your perception of how they respond, you're projecting. Because it's not their problem, it's yours. It's the same thing with my libra sun friend with Scorpio moon and Venus. she complains about things all the time to her Aquarius sun/Venus boyfriend and she gets very fussy when he says "I know dear. I know. I'm sorry to hear that." She is convince that he has a problem. He doesn't. She does it's all in her head. just because she is not getting the emotional response she expects to get, with her placement of unrealistic expectations from others she refuses to accept that her anger and frustration is not his problem but hers. She wants him to respond a certain way. He's not built to be that way, you can't change how people respond to things. It's either you accept it or go find someone else that can accomodate your needs. Im not talking to you specifically by the way hahaThe thing is, though, is that it IS really hard for me to feel like I don't irritate people. I feel that if I didn't irritate people, they'd act differently toward me. I feel SO MUCH pressure to make people happy and it exhausts me. I don't feel like I succeed and no matter how hard I try, I feel like it's never enough. I don't really know how people TRULY feel about me and I have to constantly wonder and guess about it. I have a hard time sometimes interpreting other people's actions and words and I do tend to over-analyze things. I just hate making social mistakes and I hate having people upset with me. We Libras do have a reputation as people pleasers and I admit full guilt on that one. Deep down, I really do just want people to like me and to want to be around me. Sometimes I feel like they do, other times like they don't, and other times I have ZERO idea and that's when I get most frustrated--when I can't figure out what someone REALLY thinks. It's just something that I have to deal with.------------------*I use the whole sign system*Personal Planets:Sun, Mercury: LibraVenus: ScorpioMoon: CancerMars: CapricornSee my profile for my complete chart.RegardesPlatero quote:Originally posted by enchantress299:I think the answer is very simple. However, what I have figured out is that there are many (more talkative) people who find small talk as a way to CONNECT. Connection is important because you feel that the other person cares about you, and yes, technically you were responding, but you weren't giving any feedback, and FEEDBACK is the way that (some) people gauge how you are connecting with them. It's simply being friendly and showing that you care about what the other person has to say. I do better with small talk now, though I often still avoid it when I am out at the grocery store, mall, etc. [...] Sometimes physical presence and a simple answer really isn't enough because again, it seems like you aren't trying to be supportive, but are instead just trying to placate her. It doesn't have to be overly gushy, just a simple- "Hey, I'm hearing you and that is a really sad/hard situation. I'm here if there's anything I can do." People just want to know that you are hearing/understanding them. --BINGO. You hit the nail on the head there, at least for me. That is EXACTLY it, especially that "feedback" part. "Feedback" is what tells me that other people think that I'm OK. When I get a fair amount of it from someone, and when it is consistently given to me, this is what makes me able to get to a point that I no longer need it as much to feel secure with that person. ------------------*I use the whole sign system*Personal Planets:Sun, Mercury: LibraVenus: ScorpioMoon: CancerMars: CapricornSee my profile for my complete chart.lindisfarne quote:Originally posted by enchantress299:I think the answer is very simple. Do you dislike small talk? I hate small talk because nothing truly valuable is being said. Do I really want to talk in length about THE WEATHER?! Does ANYONE really want to talk in length about the weather??? (That's usually the way I see it). Please give me an in depth conversation about the way you feel/think about something and I will be immediately engrossed AND responsive... But the weather?! Or the local sports team?! No. There's only so far you can go with those conversations before you hit a wall. So, to me they seem rather meaningless. However, what I have figured out is that there are many (more talkative) people who find small talk as a way to CONNECT. Connection is important because you feel that the other person cares about you, and yes, technically you were responding, but you weren't giving any feedback, and FEEDBACK is the way that (some) people gauge how you are connecting with them. It's simply being friendly and showing that you care about what the other person has to say. I do better with small talk now, though I often still avoid it when I am out at the grocery store, mall, etc. That lesson was brought to you courtesy of my Gemini North Node in the 7th. It was a very hard won lesson. Now, the thing with your friend's father- you might have been a little more responsive about THAT. At least try to verbalize that you are supporting her, even if there's nothing else you can do for her. Sometimes physical presence and a simple answer really isn't enough because again, it seems like you aren't trying to be supportive, but are instead just trying to placate her. It doesn't have to be overly gushy, just a simple- "Hey, I'm hearing you and that is a really sad/hard situation. I'm here if there's anything I can do." People just want to know that you are hearing/understanding them. So... Am I at least somewhat on target with this? I know I also don't do well in those types of conversations, but that's partially because I really don't usually have anything more to add to what they are saying. "Sure, it's sunny out. Yay?" "Sure, the local sports team won. Yay?" To me it's just non-essential. But keep in mind, there are also people out there who do talk TOO MUCH and want absolutely every little thing validated for them...Interesting story. But yes I do not like small talk. I think people who try to engage in small talk with me are wasting there time and I become very disinterested in them fairly quickly..... My boyfriend on first glance was like this.. he went in depth with the most uninteresting topics until I got to see him more intimately he started talking about world issues, political issues, stuff that actually interested me. - I honestly believe he went home and googled how to impress/talk to an Aquarius woman, but I notice a huge difference from when we first met and those conversations, compared to now, now he likes giving me space, he doesn't try to control me or doesnt gauge his jealousy and he is now talking about world principles and philosophies.but back to topic, Again with my friends father.. to be honest I don't "support her" not even trying to be off on this but I don't "support her" in a sense where I don't really care... I mean whenever she tells me about him i listen, because she clearly need someone to talk to but I won't go out of my way to "support her" idk if that's my Job too.. I would feel very awkward about that. I don't like when my friends talk too in depth about their personal problems...'I'm not their therapists... I don't know what I'm supposed to do... sorry if I chose an awful word as "I don't care" I'm not sure how to describe it.. but I really do not care for that stuff. I'm not sure it's my job to because then I will feel that I have to carry her emotional baggage and that's not right at all..tuxedoMaski love the 'feedback' response and definitely think it solves the thread. over the years, i've developed this thing where i just go and don't even look at or think about the 'feedback'. if they do, just the same, some of the times i might not even notice.. it's happened where someone i had once in a class was nice enough to seek me out after i randomly asked no one in particular for one, to lend me a pencil but i cared very little about looking around the classroom let alone even try to get to know em and see if i fit in or had mutual interests; saw the pencil guy one time at another place and he stopped right away to say hi to me and said 'don't u remember me?'.. class had ended not even a month before then, mind u.. my response was: "no.".. i apologized and told him the truth that i was so not at all even trying to be present in that class that i was just in and out and that's how i am with a lot of things.. what's interesting is that when the feedback isn't being given by other people, i disregard it but find that when they then give it, for such a long time of them being 'not engaged'; they expect immediate reaction or response and by then, i have already gotten them off my mind and care very little about what they have to say.i care very little about what anyone has to say, actually.as far as the op and the topic/what they're asking about; i say this: "i know, right?"MoonfishDefinitely deals with Mercury. I have a lot of water signs in my chart, but i like to talk a lot & i always feel like i need to give a good response when i'm in a conversation. I think it's because of my Sag Mercury. People who aren't so talkactive in my experience have been Virgo, Capricorn, & Scorpio in Mercury. mintgirl123it depends on the aspects too I think. I knew quite a few cap mercury ppl that talked alot. But they had fire in them so it might have helped.BelligerentPygmyYeah they do, but not in the sense you describe in your first post. I've noticed over the years that I tend to end up with people highly p155ed off at me and I never even know why, only to later find out that they expected me to be a mindreader and know stuff they never even expressed to me, or that they had some kind of expectations of what they think I should do or be that for them I don't live up to so then they take it out on me.RunAroundScreamingYou just have to be more engaging. You cant expect the other person to do all the work. The person in your example asked you why the weather was just alright....you should've explained and andwered her question or offered your opinion as well instead of just giving another curt response.mintgirl123lol if sb responded the way you did to me, I would have left too. Talk about being difficult and a bore. Should have just made an excuse to stop talking to the girl instead of answering in one word answers. LonakeI'm on the other end, trying to talk to someone who is for some reason still hanging around and giving me practically zero response, I want enthusiasm and they're lifeless. Annoying. And I say the same thing, are you listening, and they keep saying yea, hahaha I never believe them. I don't want a certain response I just want them to join into the feeling of the topics, the enthusiasm like I said or the sadness or whatever. Then I feel bummed and walk away and find someone who is more on my emotional level. Pisces, same as some of your friends but I don't know if it'd be a Pisces thing.... Just act engaged lol, that's what I tell them, just lie to me as if you get what emotion I'm under right now haha (they know I'm half joking half serious when I say this). I have a Taurus Sun/Leo Moon friend she expects you to emote right alongside her as well. I guess we're demanding. I have Aquarius Merc too like you but Aqua Mercs aren't demanding."Can anyone here relate or give some insight why people seem to get fussy when I am obviously listening to them/thinking of what to say, and they get bothered with my responses?"---They just don't see you having the right non verbal responses and appropriate tone in your voice, the right look in your eyes, etc.Also I think the issue with my Pisces side is that for others I will emote and ride that wave with them, but when others don't it feels like being lost at sea. I know Cancers like this, omg most of the Scorps I've known will kill you if you try that mess with them, you have to take everything they say as sacred.Betty Boop quote:my Pisces friend was complaining about how it was having her dad pass away, and how she has to take over his company etc. And I responded with, "I know" And she got mad at meI think your Pisces friend needs to talk to someone who has a Pisces Mercury.This was a very unfortunate personality mis-match... It was probably difficult for her to bring this up at all and talk about the death of her father... so your "I know" was not all that appropriate, as a response. But it's all good - You are who you are! It's just that your style may not suit everyone.. in particular someone more sensitive who needs more verbal reassurance.RegardesPlatero --mintgirl123It's not about having water signs in your chart. Hell I have only a scorpy pluto and a jupiter in cancer and I know it's freaking common courtesy to respond appropriately. I mean come on. It's not rocket science.I have air moon/merc/venus and earth sun and mars, also a fire rising.Show you actually give a crap. Cos seriously it makes you look self absorbed.mintgirl123 quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: Interesting story. But yes I do not like small talk. I think people who try to engage in small talk with me are wasting there time and I become very disinterested in them fairly quickly..... My boyfriend on first glance was like this.. he went in depth with the most uninteresting topics until I got to see him more intimately he started talking about world issues, political issues, stuff that actually interested me. - I honestly believe he went home and googled how to impress/talk to an Aquarius woman, but I notice a huge difference from when we first met and those conversations, compared to now, now he likes giving me space, he doesn't try to control me or doesnt gauge his jealousy and he is now talking about world principles and philosophies.but back to topic, Again with my friends father.. to be honest I don't "support her" not even trying to be off on this but I don't "support her" in a sense where I don't really care... I mean whenever she tells me about him i listen, because she clearly need someone to talk to but I won't go out of my way to "support her" idk if that's my Job too.. I would feel very awkward about that. I don't like when my friends talk too in depth about their personal problems...'I'm not their therapists... I don't know what I'm supposed to do... sorry if I chose an awful word as "I don't care" I'm not sure how to describe it.. but I really do not care for that stuff. I'm not sure it's my job to because then I will feel that I have to carry her emotional baggage and that's not right at all..No offense, but from the two topics I've seen you posted, you seem really selfish. Like life does not revolve around you. Consider other's feelings for a sec. It's not that hard.It's not about being sb's therapist. It's about giving them emotional support. That's what a good friend would do. Hell, that's what people that actually care about others do. They wouldn't just think 'oh it's not my problem'Um seriously? -_-Mblake81 quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: Are you saying that She is projecting her issues onto me?I am saying that it is possible she is.
It's mainly with conversations that they mold into some lengthy dialogue when it's completely unnecessary. For example, the weather.. I know it's an insufficient example but thats all I can think of. This is how it will go:
Girl: So it's really nice outside huh?Me: Yup Girl: I love this kind of whether, Fall is great and the trees are so beautiful! I hate summer it's way too humid and hot. Ugh. Don't you?Me: It's alright.Girl: really? What is alright about it? I'm actually very excited for the winter season to begin. I can't wait to go skiing, I bet a lot of the girls are going to Montreal to party. So awesome.Me: I know right?Girl: ....Yeah. Are you listening to me?Me: Yes.Girl: Well, you don't seem to be..Me: How so?Girl: You're not talking a lot. Am I boring you?Me: No. I never said you were.Girl: Well it seems as if I am. I'm talking, doing all of the talking here and you're not even saying much.Me: Okay.. lol.Girl: Why is that funny? Me: It just is.. Don't worry about it.Girl: Whatever I will go talk/be around around that obviously doesn't ignore me. And it's not funny at all actually. Bye.Me: Bye.
See, this usually happens. Either it'd be with my sister, she will go on and on about something, and I am actually listening.. I either smile and nod along or say "I know" "Oh wow really?" And she will get upset because I don't give her the response she wants? This also happens with my Taurus sun friend, A lot of my Piscean female friends as well. They start spewing to me/ranting/venting about life problems or the like and I often say stuff like "I know" or "Its okay." Stuff like that, my Pisces friend was complaining about how it was having her dad pass away, and how she has to take over his company etc. And I responded with, "I know" And she got mad at me LOL. For what? What was I supposed to say? "Oh yeah totally. Gosh! I am so very sorry to hear your unfortunate story, god bless you." I dont get it. They either think I am not listening (when I actually am..) or they think They are boring me.
Whats up with that?
Heres My chart without the Aspects:Sun - Aquarius house 12Moon - Pisces House 1Mercury - Aquarius house 1Venus - Pisces House 1Mars - Cancer House 6Jupiter - Libra House 8Saturn - Aquarius house 1Uranus - Capricorn House 12Neptune - Capricorn house 12Pluto - Scorpio house 9Chiron - Leo House 7Ceres - Pisces house 1Pallas - Aquarius house 1Juno - Cancer house 5 Vetsa - Capricorn house 12Node - Sagittarius house 11Lilith - Pisces house 1Fortune - Aquarius house 1ASC - aquariusMC - Sag
Can anyone here relate or give some insight why people seem to get fussy when I am obviously listening to them/thinking of what to say, and they get bothered with my responses?
reading the dialog about the weather, i can see something. before you said it, I was thinking that your replay sounded as you were thinking in something else as you could not get involved in the conversation with soul. probably your aquarios mercury in your first give you a detached communication style?
i dont know, but you come across as not a good listener from the conversation.
generally, i tend to get annoyed with short responses... i have the feeling that the other person is thinking and giving the responses in authomatic mode while contunuing thinking in something else. if this is not the case, do you tend to be talkative? if not, that is it.
if you like to talk and it is only when somebody talk that you become so quiet, that is perceived as not being interested.
quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne:Girl: So it's really nice outside huh?Me: Yup Girl: I love this kind of whether, Fall is great and the trees are so beautiful! I hate summer it's way too humid and hot. Ugh. Don't you?Me: It's alright.Girl: really? What is alright about it? I'm actually very excited for the winter season to begin. I can't wait to go skiing, I bet a lot of the girls are going to Montreal to party. So awesome.Me: I know right?Girl: ....Yeah. Are you listening to me?Me: Yes.Girl: Well, you don't seem to be..Me: How so?Girl: You're not talking a lot. Am I boring you?Me: No. I never said you were.Girl: Well it seems as if I am. I'm talking, doing all of the talking here and you're not even saying much.Me: Okay.. lol.Girl: Why is that funny? Me: It just is.. Don't worry about it.Girl: Whatever I will go talk/be around around that obviously doesn't ignore me. And it's not funny at all actually. Bye.Me: Bye.
According to Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to projection: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection
Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.
Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.
An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and by redirecting libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or "projecting," those same faults onto another person or object.
quote:Originally posted by anongrl10:I don't know your cultural background, but there is a thing called "curt response". When you consistently respond to someone with short cut yes/no type of answers, the other person gets the idea that you are rude or at best not willing to participate in the conversation. People come with a variety of communication styles. Just try to notice how they talk to you and make an effort to adjust. The person in your "weather" example indeed did all the talking and it's natural to feel you are not interested given your responses. Try to find people who match our communication style and adjust to more chatty types who want your lengthier feedback. Mercury in Aqua in the 1st make you "nerdy" in your communication manner. Try to express your Pisces Moon which touches people more warmly.
Well I have lived in Canada all my life as I was born here.I understand what you are saying but it's conversations and people lilke that with those responses that irritate me in a way. They go looking for something that isn't there, they make up an issue when its not there. I was listening to what she was saying, as I do with everyone. And if I wasnt listening and didn't have time to respond/join in, or if I am busy I always make sure to tell the person, "Hey, sorry but Im actually occupied right now. Ill talk to you soon okay?" And especially with Pisces influenced people I have to literally start my sentences with, "No offense" because even if they speak to me and I interject with, "Oh hey Im actually kind of busy right now. We can talk later okay?" They will take it as if I am hurting them in some way.. so I always have to start it off with "no offense,"
I mean when I talk I am very cheery and light, its not like I have a mean machine kind of way of speaking to people tone wise, my tone is very light and warm so. Idk I just dont get why someone would think I wasn't listening when I clearly am haha..
quote:Originally posted by Mblake81: [QUOTE]Originally posted by lindisfarne:[b]Girl: So it's really nice outside huh?Me: Yup Girl: I love this kind of whether, Fall is great and the trees are so beautiful! I hate summer it's way too humid and hot. Ugh. Don't you?Me: It's alright.Girl: really? What is alright about it? I'm actually very excited for the winter season to begin. I can't wait to go skiing, I bet a lot of the girls are going to Montreal to party. So awesome.Me: I know right?Girl: ....Yeah. Are you listening to me?Me: Yes.Girl: Well, you don't seem to be..Me: How so?Girl: You're not talking a lot. Am I boring you?Me: No. I never said you were.Girl: Well it seems as if I am. I'm talking, doing all of the talking here and you're not even saying much.Me: Okay.. lol.Girl: Why is that funny? Me: It just is.. Don't worry about it.Girl: Whatever I will go talk/be around around that obviously doesn't ignore me. And it's not funny at all actually. Bye.Me: Bye.
[/B][/QUOTE]Are you saying that She is projecting her issues onto me?
quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: Well I have lived in Canada all my life as I was born here.I understand what you are saying but it's conversations and people lilke that with those responses that irritate me in a way. They go looking for something that isn't there, they make up an issue when its not there. I was listening to what she was saying, as I do with everyone. And if I wasnt listening and didn't have time to respond/join in, or if I am busy I always make sure to tell the person, "Hey, sorry but Im actually occupied right now. Ill talk to you soon okay?" And especially with Pisces influenced people I have to literally start my sentences with, "No offense" because even if they speak to me and I interject with, "Oh hey Im actually kind of busy right now. We can talk later okay?" They will take it as if I am hurting them in some way.. so I always have to start it off with "no offense,"I mean when I talk I am very cheery and light, its not like I have a mean machine kind of way of speaking to people tone wise, my tone is very light and warm so. Idk I just dont get why someone would think I wasn't listening when I clearly am haha..
I hear you but when you communicate with somebody with different comm style (like her), it's not only the tone of your voice that matters. She wants complete sentences, real input in order to feel that you listen, participate and enjoy the chat. Communication works on various levels and different people react to different aspects of it. She just responded to the curt sentences rather than your "light" "cheery" tone. Got it?
quote:Originally posted by RegardesPlatero:When people give me short, one-word replies, or when they do not communicate at all, I assume that I'm boring them, burdening them, irritating them, etc. Then I feel really embarrassed, anxious, worried that other people find me irritating, and then just avoid them for awhile so that I don't bother them. I'm very conscious of bothering people and irritating them and I hate feeling like a nuisance; it's a big "thing" with me. So, yeah, I can see why she'd get upset. People do have different communication styles, but, at the same time, one-word replies/silences are a pretty universal sign of "you're boring me/annoying me".
You realize that, specifically your anxiety and assuming you are bothering others because of how you perceive their responses is ultimately your problem though right? Not trying to sound cold... but I personally think if you do get mad etc and take it out on someone based on your perception of how they respond, you're projecting. Because it's not their problem, it's yours.
It's the same thing with my libra sun friend with Scorpio moon and Venus. she complains about things all the time to her Aquarius sun/Venus boyfriend and she gets very fussy when he says "I know dear. I know. I'm sorry to hear that." She is convince that he has a problem. He doesn't. She does it's all in her head. just because she is not getting the emotional response she expects to get, with her placement of unrealistic expectations from others she refuses to accept that her anger and frustration is not his problem but hers. She wants him to respond a certain way. He's not built to be that way, you can't change how people respond to things. It's either you accept it or go find someone else that can accomodate your needs. Im not talking to you specifically by the way haha
Do you dislike small talk?
I hate small talk because nothing truly valuable is being said. Do I really want to talk in length about THE WEATHER?! Does ANYONE really want to talk in length about the weather??? (That's usually the way I see it). Please give me an in depth conversation about the way you feel/think about something and I will be immediately engrossed AND responsive... But the weather?! Or the local sports team?! No. There's only so far you can go with those conversations before you hit a wall. So, to me they seem rather meaningless.
However, what I have figured out is that there are many (more talkative) people who find small talk as a way to CONNECT. Connection is important because you feel that the other person cares about you, and yes, technically you were responding, but you weren't giving any feedback, and FEEDBACK is the way that (some) people gauge how you are connecting with them. It's simply being friendly and showing that you care about what the other person has to say. I do better with small talk now, though I often still avoid it when I am out at the grocery store, mall, etc.
That lesson was brought to you courtesy of my Gemini North Node in the 7th. It was a very hard won lesson.
Now, the thing with your friend's father- you might have been a little more responsive about THAT. At least try to verbalize that you are supporting her, even if there's nothing else you can do for her. Sometimes physical presence and a simple answer really isn't enough because again, it seems like you aren't trying to be supportive, but are instead just trying to placate her. It doesn't have to be overly gushy, just a simple- "Hey, I'm hearing you and that is a really sad/hard situation. I'm here if there's anything I can do." People just want to know that you are hearing/understanding them.
So... Am I at least somewhat on target with this? I know I also don't do well in those types of conversations, but that's partially because I really don't usually have anything more to add to what they are saying. "Sure, it's sunny out. Yay?" "Sure, the local sports team won. Yay?" To me it's just non-essential.
But keep in mind, there are also people out there who do talk TOO MUCH and want absolutely every little thing validated for them...
quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: You realize that, specifically your anxiety and assuming you are bothering others because of how you perceive their responses is ultimately your problem though right? Not trying to sound cold... but I personally think if you do get mad etc and take it out on someone based on your perception of how they respond, you're projecting. Because it's not their problem, it's yours. It's the same thing with my libra sun friend with Scorpio moon and Venus. she complains about things all the time to her Aquarius sun/Venus boyfriend and she gets very fussy when he says "I know dear. I know. I'm sorry to hear that." She is convince that he has a problem. He doesn't. She does it's all in her head. just because she is not getting the emotional response she expects to get, with her placement of unrealistic expectations from others she refuses to accept that her anger and frustration is not his problem but hers. She wants him to respond a certain way. He's not built to be that way, you can't change how people respond to things. It's either you accept it or go find someone else that can accomodate your needs. Im not talking to you specifically by the way haha
The thing is, though, is that it IS really hard for me to feel like I don't irritate people. I feel that if I didn't irritate people, they'd act differently toward me. I feel SO MUCH pressure to make people happy and it exhausts me. I don't feel like I succeed and no matter how hard I try, I feel like it's never enough. I don't really know how people TRULY feel about me and I have to constantly wonder and guess about it. I have a hard time sometimes interpreting other people's actions and words and I do tend to over-analyze things. I just hate making social mistakes and I hate having people upset with me. We Libras do have a reputation as people pleasers and I admit full guilt on that one. Deep down, I really do just want people to like me and to want to be around me. Sometimes I feel like they do, other times like they don't, and other times I have ZERO idea and that's when I get most frustrated--when I can't figure out what someone REALLY thinks. It's just something that I have to deal with.
------------------*I use the whole sign system*
Personal Planets:Sun, Mercury: LibraVenus: ScorpioMoon: CancerMars: Capricorn
See my profile for my complete chart.
quote:Originally posted by enchantress299:I think the answer is very simple. However, what I have figured out is that there are many (more talkative) people who find small talk as a way to CONNECT. Connection is important because you feel that the other person cares about you, and yes, technically you were responding, but you weren't giving any feedback, and FEEDBACK is the way that (some) people gauge how you are connecting with them. It's simply being friendly and showing that you care about what the other person has to say. I do better with small talk now, though I often still avoid it when I am out at the grocery store, mall, etc. [...] Sometimes physical presence and a simple answer really isn't enough because again, it seems like you aren't trying to be supportive, but are instead just trying to placate her. It doesn't have to be overly gushy, just a simple- "Hey, I'm hearing you and that is a really sad/hard situation. I'm here if there's anything I can do." People just want to know that you are hearing/understanding them.
[...] Sometimes physical presence and a simple answer really isn't enough because again, it seems like you aren't trying to be supportive, but are instead just trying to placate her. It doesn't have to be overly gushy, just a simple- "Hey, I'm hearing you and that is a really sad/hard situation. I'm here if there's anything I can do." People just want to know that you are hearing/understanding them.
--BINGO. You hit the nail on the head there, at least for me. That is EXACTLY it, especially that "feedback" part. "Feedback" is what tells me that other people think that I'm OK. When I get a fair amount of it from someone, and when it is consistently given to me, this is what makes me able to get to a point that I no longer need it as much to feel secure with that person.
quote:Originally posted by enchantress299:I think the answer is very simple. Do you dislike small talk? I hate small talk because nothing truly valuable is being said. Do I really want to talk in length about THE WEATHER?! Does ANYONE really want to talk in length about the weather??? (That's usually the way I see it). Please give me an in depth conversation about the way you feel/think about something and I will be immediately engrossed AND responsive... But the weather?! Or the local sports team?! No. There's only so far you can go with those conversations before you hit a wall. So, to me they seem rather meaningless. However, what I have figured out is that there are many (more talkative) people who find small talk as a way to CONNECT. Connection is important because you feel that the other person cares about you, and yes, technically you were responding, but you weren't giving any feedback, and FEEDBACK is the way that (some) people gauge how you are connecting with them. It's simply being friendly and showing that you care about what the other person has to say. I do better with small talk now, though I often still avoid it when I am out at the grocery store, mall, etc. That lesson was brought to you courtesy of my Gemini North Node in the 7th. It was a very hard won lesson. Now, the thing with your friend's father- you might have been a little more responsive about THAT. At least try to verbalize that you are supporting her, even if there's nothing else you can do for her. Sometimes physical presence and a simple answer really isn't enough because again, it seems like you aren't trying to be supportive, but are instead just trying to placate her. It doesn't have to be overly gushy, just a simple- "Hey, I'm hearing you and that is a really sad/hard situation. I'm here if there's anything I can do." People just want to know that you are hearing/understanding them. So... Am I at least somewhat on target with this? I know I also don't do well in those types of conversations, but that's partially because I really don't usually have anything more to add to what they are saying. "Sure, it's sunny out. Yay?" "Sure, the local sports team won. Yay?" To me it's just non-essential. But keep in mind, there are also people out there who do talk TOO MUCH and want absolutely every little thing validated for them...
Interesting story. But yes I do not like small talk. I think people who try to engage in small talk with me are wasting there time and I become very disinterested in them fairly quickly..... My boyfriend on first glance was like this.. he went in depth with the most uninteresting topics until I got to see him more intimately he started talking about world issues, political issues, stuff that actually interested me. - I honestly believe he went home and googled how to impress/talk to an Aquarius woman, but I notice a huge difference from when we first met and those conversations, compared to now, now he likes giving me space, he doesn't try to control me or doesnt gauge his jealousy and he is now talking about world principles and philosophies.but back to topic, Again with my friends father.. to be honest I don't "support her" not even trying to be off on this but I don't "support her" in a sense where I don't really care... I mean whenever she tells me about him i listen, because she clearly need someone to talk to but I won't go out of my way to "support her" idk if that's my Job too.. I would feel very awkward about that. I don't like when my friends talk too in depth about their personal problems...'I'm not their therapists... I don't know what I'm supposed to do... sorry if I chose an awful word as "I don't care" I'm not sure how to describe it.. but I really do not care for that stuff. I'm not sure it's my job to because then I will feel that I have to carry her emotional baggage and that's not right at all..
what's interesting is that when the feedback isn't being given by other people, i disregard it but find that when they then give it, for such a long time of them being 'not engaged'; they expect immediate reaction or response and by then, i have already gotten them off my mind and care very little about what they have to say.
i care very little about what anyone has to say, actually.
as far as the op and the topic/what they're asking about; i say this: "i know, right?"
"Can anyone here relate or give some insight why people seem to get fussy when I am obviously listening to them/thinking of what to say, and they get bothered with my responses?"---They just don't see you having the right non verbal responses and appropriate tone in your voice, the right look in your eyes, etc.
Also I think the issue with my Pisces side is that for others I will emote and ride that wave with them, but when others don't it feels like being lost at sea. I know Cancers like this, omg most of the Scorps I've known will kill you if you try that mess with them, you have to take everything they say as sacred.
quote:my Pisces friend was complaining about how it was having her dad pass away, and how she has to take over his company etc. And I responded with, "I know" And she got mad at me
I think your Pisces friend needs to talk to someone who has a Pisces Mercury.
This was a very unfortunate personality mis-match... It was probably difficult for her to bring this up at all and talk about the death of her father... so your "I know" was not all that appropriate, as a response.
But it's all good - You are who you are!
It's just that your style may not suit everyone.. in particular someone more sensitive who needs more verbal reassurance.
I have air moon/merc/venus and earth sun and mars, also a fire rising.
Show you actually give a crap. Cos seriously it makes you look self absorbed.
quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: Interesting story. But yes I do not like small talk. I think people who try to engage in small talk with me are wasting there time and I become very disinterested in them fairly quickly..... My boyfriend on first glance was like this.. he went in depth with the most uninteresting topics until I got to see him more intimately he started talking about world issues, political issues, stuff that actually interested me. - I honestly believe he went home and googled how to impress/talk to an Aquarius woman, but I notice a huge difference from when we first met and those conversations, compared to now, now he likes giving me space, he doesn't try to control me or doesnt gauge his jealousy and he is now talking about world principles and philosophies.but back to topic, Again with my friends father.. to be honest I don't "support her" not even trying to be off on this but I don't "support her" in a sense where I don't really care... I mean whenever she tells me about him i listen, because she clearly need someone to talk to but I won't go out of my way to "support her" idk if that's my Job too.. I would feel very awkward about that. I don't like when my friends talk too in depth about their personal problems...'I'm not their therapists... I don't know what I'm supposed to do... sorry if I chose an awful word as "I don't care" I'm not sure how to describe it.. but I really do not care for that stuff. I'm not sure it's my job to because then I will feel that I have to carry her emotional baggage and that's not right at all..
No offense, but from the two topics I've seen you posted, you seem really selfish. Like life does not revolve around you. Consider other's feelings for a sec. It's not that hard.
It's not about being sb's therapist. It's about giving them emotional support. That's what a good friend would do. Hell, that's what people that actually care about others do. They wouldn't just think 'oh it's not my problem'
Um seriously? -_-
quote:Originally posted by lindisfarne: Are you saying that She is projecting her issues onto me?
I am saying that it is possible she is.
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